You Ate My Ramen

It was a Sunday afternoon at the Butler house. As was typically the case, I had retreated to the relative tranquility of my bedroom – to avoid the noise of the youtube videos the boys typically watched, and to write my latest blog post. The hallway back to my room and the bedroom door offers a partial sound buffer, alleviating me from hearing every bit of noise – stemming from the various activities, of my family of five. And then it started…

So, first, for a little back story…

Although I loved it as a kid, and it was a staple for me growing up, I generally don’t eat ramen. Actually, for two reasons – first, it’s horrible for you. Second, it doesn’t taste all that great. But, I do buy it every once in a while because my teenage sons love it. Typically, when I purchase it, I will buy an even number of packets which usually gets evenly distributed between the two boys. For this particular item, my daughter’s aversion to noodles keeps her out of the ramen distribution. There is no verbal agreement, and at least as far as food goes, I assign no rights to anything I purchase. However, my sons, along with their older sister – seem to have an unspoken agreement for dividing the groceries according to their preferences. During my shopping trips, to maintain fairness, I do make an effort to purchase some things that each of them desires. As the groceries are being put away, and one of them detects an item that they like – you can almost hear them mentally calculating their share as they place the containers in the proper cabinets.

My kids know full well that I am sensitive to noise and averse to any kind of discord. Understanding that I prefer not to be involved, I am included only in emergencies – as a referee in settling heated disputes. So, as I am sitting in my bedroom, I can hear the initial signs of an argument brewing. In noticing it, I go into semi-alert Mom status, listening in from afar to loosely monitor their interaction and ensure that the situation doesn’t get out of hand. Generally, I monitor volume more than content – because, in all honesty, loud noise triggers me! As this particular discussion began to escalate, I decide to hone in on the details to get a better gauge of the situation. Once I heard what it was about, I instantly knew that without my input – it wouldn’t be solved amicably.

Normally, I wouldn’t get involved with a debate of this sort. Normally, they would come to some amicable conclusion. Normally, they would simply work it out. But today, that would not happen. Why, because I had information, a variable that they never would have a reason to consider. Without this vital piece of information, they would have argued forever. I knew that without my interference, they would have left exhausted and pointing fingers convinced that their brother was a liar and a thief. Neither of them would have considered anything other than the ramen math they knew.

It all began, just as I had figured – my younger son began to prepare his lunch of ramen when his brother entered the room. In noticing his brother cooking ramen, he decided that he would also cook ramen for lunch – but when he went to the cabinet where it was kept, he realized that it was gone.

And, that was when all heck broke loose…

My older son began to yell at his sibling for eating more than his share. He knew how many he had eaten and assumed that his younger brother had eaten the rest. I heard them bickering as they recounted the days and packets they had eaten. My younger son attested that due to the number of packets he had previously used, that the ramen he was currently cooking was rightfully his. His brother disagreed because according to his count, he should still have 2 packets left.

As I entered the scene, the disagreement had escalated, as each of them was aggressively arguing their point. In all honesty, typically I would have stormed on the scene with guns blazing – but today, I was simply intrigued. I was curious to learn the capacity of both their reasoning and problem-solving skills. It was not a productive argument, and the same point kept becoming recycled over and over. They were so fixated on their point of view, and what they knew to be true, each of them was set in their idea of what had happened – and unable to notice an alternative to their own preconceived notion. Prior to my putting an end to it, I witnessed several instances of blame and judgment. My younger son assumed that his brother was attempting to “steal” his share, and my older son assumed that his brother was “entitled” and taking more than his share.

I listened, waiting for some indication that either of them was going to explore the consideration of any other variables or suggestion, but they did not. When I realized that there was no solution they would discover between the two of them – I finally decided to interject into the disagreement to settle it. Since they were not able to recognize any possibility outside of what they knew, my next statement came as a humongous surprise to them – leaving them both stunned and speechless.

I ate them…

The second I said those three little words, the entire situation melted. A minute paradigm shift, as instantly, they both abandoned their argument with each other and in unison, turned their gaze toward me. My older son was the first to blurt out “but Mom, you don’t eat ramen!”. No, I hadn’t eaten ramen in many years – but it wasn’t beyond the realm of possibility.

The moral of the story…

My point in sharing this story is to invite each of us to explore this, or another relatable scenario, for themselves.

• How often do we make assumptions about people, without exploring all possibilities?
• How quickly do we use blame or accusation as our initial resolution to a problem?
• How often are we quick to utilize our preconceived notions about something or someone to fill in the blanks of unknowns?

Recognizing the limitation of my children’s thoughts, and just how quickly they snapped to an inaccurate assessment – got me thinking about my own thought patterns. Of course, it is far easier to pinpoint in others, but I too have resorted to my own preconceived notions. Despite the years, I have spent in self-discovery and analysis mode, I am as guilty as anyone of these or similar thought patterns.

Auto-pilot…

My guess is that at the beginning of any debate, based on our “knowledge” of the situation and our understanding of the players involved, we all map out a logical explanation. And from there, we make our own determination based on the conclusion that strikes us as true. We may naturally stigmatize others for their past behaviors, expectant of an easy answer, and choosing quick blame – due to their past actions. While I understand the ease in jumping to the quickest and easiest solution – the one that seems to be the most probable.

But, this begs the question, is that really fair? And more importantly, does that methodology support the growth and progress of others? Especially our children? Are we allowing them to outgrow behaviors, or are we constantly reeling them back into our labels for them? And how do our choices affect them and their relationships? Does it encourage them to hold grudges against people, or mistrust? Does our reaction or suspicious come with an honest discussion about the need to prove ourselves in the wake of hurting the ones we love – or do we simply blame them for their prior misdeeds? And, if it is determined we were wrong, do we apologize, or blame their previous transgressions for our assumptions? Unfortunately, although I work on improving myself and my mindset every day – I have done all of these.

The slippery slope of parenting…

As a parent, I find myself being cautious, even hyper-aware, in looking for early signs of relapse – with regard to my children’s previous habits or behaviors. I admit that prior to my actual conscious intervention – my mind typically wanders toward those easy, yet preconceived judgments. It is probably due to my subconscious fear of my child slipping back into negative patterns and “getting over on me”, that lends itself to those automatic thoughts. If I recognize myself having behaved irrationally or unfairly – I generally extend an effort to amend for my actions.

However, once my logic kicks in, I realize that my suspicion of his motives is doing both him and me a disservice. I am holding a grudge against my child, for typical child behavior. He has worked so hard to outgrow his previous habits, but I am holding him stuck in the stigma – it is me who is not allowing him to release his past. How can I expect him to become a healthy adult if I continue to assume that he is the one responsible when something occurs, that touches on a previous habit of his? After much thought, I came to a helpful realization – discovering that, by entertaining a mindset of utilizing preconceived notions, instead of viewing each situation with a fresh perspective, is a disservice to both trust and forgiveness…I disallow him, or anyone, to learn and grow from past mistakes.

Aside from the obvious one “why would you even let your children eat ramen”, I would love to hear your thoughts or stories in the comments section below.