Not only did I not see it coming – to be honest…I didn’t even realize it while I was there. This is because it didn’t happen all at once – rather, I drifted into what may be referred to as a semi-depressive state, gradually… a degree or two at a time. It was nothing drastic or dramatic – no suicidal thoughts, erratic or destructive behavior, or other telltale signs…just an overall feeling of “meh”.
Nothing was “wrong” per se – meaning, I wasn’t completely unable to function. I managed to maintain my baseline tasks – for example, I was still getting up each day, taking a shower, and never once missed a day of work…yet, there was no denying, that something was missing. I was going through each and every day on autopilot, aimlessly drifting from one moment to the next – unable to notice the “life” that was existing all around me. Surprisingly, I was largely unaware of the degree, to which I had become increasingly shut off, numb and joyless.
One by one, I abandoned the activities that I had previously enjoyed – the ones that made me feel alive…simply because I didn’t feel like doing them. Each day drifted me further away from myself, to the point where I had literally forgotten how to “live”. I wasn’t necessarily sad – yet, I was unable to recall what it felt like to be inspired by life. While it was typical for me to crave alone time, this felt different. Normally, I would seek refuge to be in my own energy and recharge my batteries…not to shut out the world. However, at this point – engaging with people, even my own family, seemed more of a hassle than anything else. In fact, interaction of any kind, felt like just another obligation. To be perfectly honest, I really just wanted to be left alone. Eventually, it seemed that all of my spare time was ticked away scrolling on Facebook and playing mindless games on my phone. Aside from my essential work duties, I had essentially withdrawn from the world.
On the occasions that I was forced (or shamed) into engaging with the world, I did so reluctantly…and with more than a little frustration. So, while I would have preferred to be left alone, I also didn’t want to draw attention to myself – which I knew would be the result, if I declined the invitations I usually accepted. Additionally, I recall becoming annoyed and defensive when asked questions, even simple questions – but, especially when confronted on my recent behavior, mood, or how I chose to spend my own time. In my mind, I figured that since I didn’t bother anyone else, why was it such a big deal that I too…didn’t want to be bothered. More and more, I found myself retreating to my room, because I could literally “feel” the conflict within every conversation that occurred around me…and I just couldn’t take it. I knew I was being unreasonable, I could feel it – I just couldn’t help it. It eventually got to the point where everybody and everything, even the people I loved the most, just seemed to add confusion and discord to my life.
And worst of all…this simply wasn’t me. In fact, it was the epitome of “not me”…I am a healer, damn it. I am a person who could notice the rainbow of empowerment, hidden in any situation – it was me, who helped others, to recognize a brighter perspective. Ironically, now it was me…who had become unable to experience, the joy of life. Not only was I unable to experience it – to be honest, but I also didn’t realize that it was missing in the first place.
Although it seemed a lifetime ago…
It had been just a couple of months earlier, when marveling at the wonders of life, had become my favorite pastime. It was quarantine, springtime 2020, and while I was far from oblivious, regarding the disastrous effect, COVID was reaping on the world – I was grateful to be in a situation that I deemed better than most. Being an essential worker, my husband continued to earn a paycheck, throughout the shutdown that forced my own workplace to close temporarily. This period, between mid-March and late June, marked more free time than I had ever had – during my entire adult life. Despite continuing to teach gymnastics classes over zoom, answering emails, and helping with monthly billing – there was no commute, which had typically taken over an hour and a half daily. Plus, since there was no school, classes were able to be shifted to earlier in the day – freeing up my afternoons and evenings.
So, between work obligations – I would spend the majority of my days outside, in the presence of nature. Despite being immersed in a global pandemic, or perhaps because of it – during this period, I recall the palpable sensation of my heart swelling with gratitude and love for humanity. I was so appreciative to be in a life situation that afforded us, my family, the luxury of weathering this storm – fully recognizing that COVID was not equal to all. Despite our obvious fortune, I was cognizant and felt deep compassion for the suffering that I knew, many families were going through – and was concerned for the “at-risk” people in my circle. Since I was doing pretty okay, I tried my best to be there for others – by periodically checking in on the people in my life.
For some reason, I discovered solace and a sense of peace, in the subtle tranquility of my own backyard. Despite living in the same space for the past fifteen years, it was only in the slowed-down reality of COVID, that I truly came to appreciate many of its innate qualities. Within this pandemic-induced stillness, I suddenly found myself smiling at the birds as they gracefully glided across my yard, and delightfully breathing in the lightly fragrant spring air.
In those couple of months, I came to know my outdoor space – with an intimacy, that had virtually escaped me during the previous decade and a half. As a consequence of the constant hustle and bustle of modern life, the paradise I was only now discovering, had until very recently…been largely ignored. Compacted within a few short weeks, I both witnessed and snapped images of various animals – a realization I had all but forgotten, but was reignited in my memory, as I was scanning through my phone’s camera feed. Within the span of photos in my camera roll, that corresponded with this time frame – I rediscovered the images I had captured, of the various critters that I spotted, in my own backyard. To be honest, I’m not sure if it was due to my inattention or something else – but, for whatever reason, I was noticing many of these wildlife species…for the first time.
Aside from the magic of the moment, these experiences brought a newfound jolt of vibrance, into my conversations with others. I have a tendency to naturally drift my focus, toward the more positive attributes of a given situation – that is, most of the time. I guess you could say I am a bit of a storyteller – and enjoy a certain sense of satisfaction through the utilization of my, admittedly idealistic, understanding of situations…to uplift those around me. Particularly, I enjoyed sharing these moments with my husband, upon his return home from work – incorporating vivid and expressive language…all in attempt, to convey the awe-inspiring miracle of nature I experienced, into words.
In addition, both our back and side yards are bordered by a creek, where I was often spending the afternoon hours, immersed in pure bliss. In my opinion, while a simple pleasure – there is no greater peace on earth, than listening to the comforting trickle of water as it travels downstream, while simultaneously marveling at the beauty and variety of the surrounding rocks. Occasionally, the stillness was pierced by the sudden splash of a toad, as it plummets into the shallow stream of water. Some days, I would simply sit in awe, soaking my senses to the brim, in the exquisite beauty of nature. Other days, I preferred to actively explore my environment – examining the colors, size, shapes, and textures of the rocks that lived in or alongside the creek. Noticing that some of the rocks I discovered downstream, seemed to resemble the larger boulders I had passed along the way.
While it may seem silly, given I am almost fifty years old, but this sparked my childlike curiosity – and I suddenly found myself pondering the evolutionary timeline that brought them to the exact spot they now resided. As I explored my imagination exploded with questions and possibilities. For instance, I wondered if these smaller rocks had once been part of a particular larger rock before the constant pressure from the stream eventually forced it to “break off” and whisk it away…along with the flow of the water. If so, how long had they been there? Did they travel all at once, or gradually? If not, where did they come from?
However, at other times I would abandon the thoughts that pondered evolution – and simply notice the details of a specific rock. I would carefully pick them up and closely examine their structure. Each was exquisite, in their own unique way – some were shiny, and some were matte. Some were smooth, while others had a rougher texture. Some seemed to be dense and compact, while others seemed to have formed in layers – and could literally be peeled away. I was surprised to discover, upon examination of a rock that caught my eye – that a couple of them, appeared to have broken in half. Where one of the sides (the outside) was totally smooth and the other side had a more textured, almost crystal surface. I marveled at the magic of nature, upon my own interpretation of the history of this beautiful specimen. I decided it was likely the constant, yet gentle flow of water that smoothed the perimeter of this rock to a mirror polish, before somehow cracking open to reveal the crystals, hidden within. However, while all of the rocks I discovered were all uniquely different, what impressed me more…was the magnificent tapestry they created, when experienced as a whole.
In reflection, much of the interim phases between the pure bliss of unconditional acceptance, and no tolerance whatsoever, were somewhat of a blur. However, while this experience unfolded over time – I can pinpoint the specific decision that set it in motion. In fact, in hindsight – I vividly recall the exact moment…my energy began to shift.
A priceless opportunity…
The prior week, I had been given an opportunity…an amazing and potentially life-affirming opportunity. My sister called me and told me about a program…a program that seemed like a dream come true. It was a guided book writing program. It was almost overwhelming I was free to explore my creative expression and could write about anything. But I didn’t just want to write some ho, hum book – I wanted to write something truly impactful, something magnificent…something that would change the world.
Convinced this was the chance of a lifetime, I spent days watching Tedtalks…in an effort to hone in, on what was going to be, my life-altering topic. And then, it came to me – it was the moment when an idea became so abundantly clear to me, that it set a new path in motion. While scrolling through Facebook I caught a glimpse of a post, a post where someone was using their social media platform to spark outrage within their audience. It was at that moment, I decided on my topic. This would be my opportunity, my book would be the tool, that would heal the nation. Because I knew one thing for sure – that in order to survive, globally, we would all need to unite. We were all in this together, and for the common good, it was necessary that we all be on the same page. We needed to come together in community and work together….in order to protect the most vulnerable among us. It made all the sense in the world, the only solution to conquer the divide…is unity.
As irony would have it, it was my own inability to accept life as it was, and desire to “fix” the world’s ills – that would inevitably, prompt the starting point, where my own life would begin to crumble. Despite my intention to aid in the healing of divide – in the end, as I would soon discover…my interference, only exacerbated it. Not to mention, I was nearly destroyed in the process. Reason being, these thoughts pulled me out of the bliss of universal love and acceptance – and into a tug of war, between right vs wrong… judgments, which are all too common within the third-dimension realm of duality.
Additionally, there was something else, that I would realize – but not until much later. As I became increasingly invested, in immersing myself in this project of “unity” – my focus gradually, and then not so gradually, shifted…away from my initial perspective. Not only that, the further I delved into the rabbit hole, the more I was being led – away from my previously held perception of neutrality and universal “okayness”, and toward the blame and accusations of choosing one side over the other. In all honesty, this was a traverse off my path, that I neither saw coming, nor recognized once I arrived – yet, would indicate a virtual abandonment from my original intention of promoting acceptance and unity.
Although my intrinsic gravitation toward exploration and discovery, continued to drive my curiosity – unfortunately, it was no longer focused on the wonders of nature or healing the world. Nope, it had gradually turned somewhat dark and polarizing – and as time passed, I was sinking further and further into a near-constant state of anger and judgement. I was no longer researching to uncover the truth…at least not neutral or universal truth. I was becoming more and more intent, on discovering only the information that would prove my opinions to be true.
Of course, I probably wouldn’t have admitted it, but by now, I was simply gathering evidence. I was merely strengthening my arsenal of information, to prepare for whatever rebuttals came my way. And while a part of me, was satisfied with being so well informed and knowledgeable – for the most part, perceiving others in such a negative light, can be rather depressing. Unbeknownst to me, I began to carry a certain subtle cynicism – seeing other people, not just as people…but through a distorted lens, based on their ideological preference. Regardless of anyone’s reasoning or life situation – it had become increasingly difficult for me to remain neutral.
Although I had gone into this project, with the intention to find common ground – it seems I had grown into a person who was perfectly satisfied…just being right. Truth be told, over time, I became somewhat addicted to the competition of it – the momentary egoic superiority of being right. However, there is the catch – a consequence that, because I was so invested in at the time, I wasn’t able to notice. Because somewhere along the line, I had clearly abandoned the notion of neutrality, and unity, and chosen a side – I had unknowingly attached myself to the outcome…thus, energetically signing myself up to suffer the slings and arrows of my “team”.
Prior to this experience, I was acutely aware that politics sucked – I knew that it sucked…on both sides. Political ideology, at least for me – had historically been, a choice between the lesser of two evils. However, as I became further entangled in my research, I realize that I had become personally invested – and found my emotional state was nearly constantly being triggered, not by my own choices…or anything else, I personally, was able to control. But, by the behaviors and decisions, within the political arena. Gradually, I discovered that my compulsion to condemn and condone, was no longer strictly aligned with my own personal values – rather, as I later realized, I was often reacting…as a matter of misplaced loyalty.
Eventually, I found myself in the mindset that I had previously been unable to comprehend – a tribe-like mentality, that I was able to recognize in other people…yet, couldn’t seem to notice, while I was being affected. At the most basic level – it is the instinct to set aside our own values, and simply defer to the group. In fact, we all have this basic human survival mechanism that allows us to intrinsically withdraw our individuality, in order to defer to the “tribe”. While not necessary for “survival” in modern-day society, these instincts can become triggered during adversarial situations – prompting us to bypass our personal belief system, thus, guiding us to behave in lockstep with the group. If we aren’t careful, as I quickly learned, we can easily be drawn into a state of groupthink – one that somehow overrides our individual beliefs and allows us to justify our defenses…even for situations or events, we find personally indefensible.
I digress…
Notwithstanding a generalized aversion to discord – ironically, during this period, I had become a willing participant. In fact, I often found myself enmeshed within the online realm of combative social media politics – riding the emotional wave that rippled from the comments section. While it was admittedly a hostile and lower vibrational environment – my exchanges within these online platforms, particularly Facebook, bordered on addictive. And while I enjoyed a sense of satisfaction from a couple of, what I thought were, “righteous” wins – the elevated feeling associated with them, were fleeting at best. Overall, even when I convinced myself, of the justification in proving someone else wrong – it was hardly a “win” or a gold medal moment.
Despite my behavior during this momentary, rather 6-month, lapse – I truly believe, from the core of my being, that there is no victory in weaponizing our knowledge…in order to feel superior. Personally, I have discovered that being right is far less exemplary than being kind. Furthermore, in my opinion, the ability to remain in our own personal integrity and truth – while allowing others the right to do the same…is the only true mastery.
Getting back to the point….
I wish I could tell you that this questionable perspective I had adopted, was relegated strictly to the confines of my virtual environment. Yeah…no. That’s not really how it works. Unfortunately, at least in this instance – my focused attention, established and dictated my direction, which in turn…creates a new mindset. One that couldn’t simply be turned off or disappear, in the same way I was able to close the app on my phone. Nope – this energy managed to escape the internet realm and penetrated my life offline, as well.
Who we are, is who we are…
The various aspects of our lives are not segmented or separate – nor, do we live our lives in a vacuum. So, it goes without saying, that as my vibration began to decline – it was evident, in every aspect of my life. Simply put…I was losing my shit! And while I initially attributed this to outside forces – I now recognize, that I was the one, who had initiated the shift. It was me who had begun to perceive the people around me, with an unhealthy degree of distrust – and more likely than not, they were simply responding to the energy I was emitting. I found myself meeting offers of assistance, even genuine overtures, with an uncharacteristic level of skepticism. Unbeknownst to me, I had become overly defensive and hostile – even toward the people who were just trying to help. The deeper I plummeted, adrift in the abyss of confusion, the more difficulty I had functioning. But rather than admit I was drowning and graciously accept the help I was offered – I did what any rational person would do…and doubled down.
In hindsight…I was a fucking mess. Although I felt powerless to save myself from sinking, when confronted, my instinctual response was to desperately cling to control. Despite being incapacitated to act – I stubbornly and defiantly refused, to voluntarily hand over control. To be honest, more often than not, I simply checked out – choosing, not to be combative, but rather to simply withdraw from the world. Yet as I did, the unfinished business of life continued – leaving me further and further behind as it piled up all around me. However ironically, the further I fell behind, and the more paralyzed into inaction I became – and, the more deeply I resented the help I was offered. It felt as though these proposals – were nothing more than a thinly disguised, yet personal attack on my flailing performance.
Since then, I have started the journey to recovery. Once I finally made the connection (more on that in another post), I abruptly abandoned the project – that for a time, managed to hijack my sanity…and have yet to return to it. Yep, even after devoting day in and day out, for literally months…I simply walked away. In that moment, the implications of throwing away an opportunity of this magnitude – made no difference to me. Nor did it matter that – when it was originally presented to me, I saw this project as a golden opportunity to accomplish a goal that I had been dreaming of for years. So, while logically speaking, it should have been a difficult decision to make – it was surprisingly easy. There was no internal debate because I innately knew that regardless of whether or not the project was outwardly successful…it simply isn’t in alignment with who I am. And, while my decision may not make sense to everyone, or anyone for that matter – I really don’t care. Because, while some people may see this as a failure or cop out – I know in my soul, that giving up on this project, was the best…rather, the only option for me. As it had become clear to me, that I needed to prioritize my energy and focus, toward becoming whole again. And the only way for me to accomplish this personally is to disengage with the energy that doesn’t suit me – and reconnect with energy, that is more in alignment…with my own values.
Who knows – maybe someday I will try again. But for now…nah, I’m good.
Leave a Reply
You must be logged in to post a comment.