At times, I admit that my clarity in certain situations can become blurred. While there are many instances where I can notice my involvement – arguably, there are probably just as many where I remain oblivious. This post was actually cut and copied, as I got off track on a previous post – the one titled “Blame Game”.
I realized…
While writing, it occurred to me that an additional scenario may be helpful in identifying more covert examples of responsibility. I have discovered that accountability can become increasingly confusing, as it is infused with outside influences – a mentally derived segway to steer us away from ownership over our responsibilities. But, it leaves the question…are we mentally abandoning our responsibilities prematurely? At what point is it acceptable to transfer our accountability to someone else – when are we no longer responsible?
Let me paint an alternative scenario for you…
The exact scenario may differ, but a similar situation has probably happened to every one of us, at one point or another. So, suppose you volunteered your services and find yourself in charge of baking cupcakes for the PTA banquet. However, it wasn’t until you returned home that it occurred to you – when it was discovered that you had accidentally double booked yourself.
Your mind races…
How could you forget that date? Sure it wasn’t her actual birthdate, but you have been planning this for weeks – the day of your daughter’s birthday party. Of course, at the moment you were publicly asked to volunteer, and subsequently committed – it caught you off guard, so you didn’t immediately notice the connection. Your mouth spilled out a “sure” before your brain could catch up, and now you are responsible for dealing with the consequences.
What were you thinking? How could you forget! What kind of horrible mother forgets her own child’s party? Not to mention your oven is practically unfunctional – over the past couple weeks, the temperature gauge has been increasingly unpredictable. You get a sudden vision in your mind of looking around the PTA in horror as the group bites into a half-baked cupcake. That won’t work, you couldn’t bake cupcakes even if you wanted – this is a disaster in so many ways. Your mind is in full panic-mode, thinking of all the implications of this absent-minded mistake you just made. What are you going to do? Would you need to admit your error to the PTA? What would they think? They would probably realize what a flake you are, and they would be right. You will be the laughing stock of the entire parent’s group.
In the midst of reeling over your options, the phone rings – it is your friend Lillian calling. Having known you for many years, she senses the upset in your voice – resulting in you confessing your mistake to her. Without hesitation and with the pure intention of helping you, she offers to bake the cupcakes for you. In an instant, your upset transforms into relief – thanking her intently, before hanging up the phone.
Wow, this is fantastic – in the matter of a few moments, your peace has been recovered. Thank goodness for friends – Lillian has come to the rescue, saving you from the anguish you were feeling. Halleluja – your problem is solved. You feel such gratitude for your friend in your recognition of her selflessness. This has turned out even better than you could have imagined, not only has Lillian offered to bake the cupcakes but also said she could deliver them to the event. The overwhelm you had been feeling has now vanished. Now, do you check this task off of your mental checklist – because, in your mind, it is taken care of? For many of us, this would mark the end of our responsibility.
The shift…
Has something like this ever happened to you? If so, would the offer of your friend indicate a transfer of your accountability? Mentally, you may have absolved yourself of the responsibility – although technically, it still belongs to you. According to this scenario, you have extended your responsibility outside of you. Of course, it is natural to accept help when needed, yet it is still your responsibility to ensure that your commitment is followed through – in this instance, making sure those cupcakes are delivered to the event.
How connected do you remain to your commitment?
In your decision to accept assistance from Lillian, you may feel that you have offloaded responsibility in this matter, but the opposite is true – you have actually added on to it. It is you that committed to the PTA, not Lillian. She may be accountable to you, at whatever level she determines herself to be responsible, but she is not accountable to the PTA. Because in subcontracting out your responsibility, you are also accepting accountability for Lillian’s follow through. Ultimately, you are responsible. With that being said…how involved do you remain with the process?
Doing everything in your power to ensure success…
Did you weigh in your friend’s integrity when accepting her help? Is she someone who has been proven to be reliable in previous commitments? Do you offer help in whatever way you are able? Perhaps check on whether she would need you to pick up ingredients at the store and bring them to you? Would you check in with Lillian periodically, to ensure that the task continues to be feasible for her – and extending your gratitude to her for her help? Or do you simply dump it in her lap – transferring the responsibility over to her?
Follow through…
What would be your reaction if, during a conversation, you begin to sense that this favor has become a burden for her? Is this likely to alter your attitude toward her? Do you graciously thank her for her offer, but for the sake of your friend, seek an alternative solution? Are you likely to remain committed to the well being of your friendship, first and foremost? Would you help her to feel loved and supported – knowing that her intention had been only to help?
Or…
Do you pretend that you don’t notice her anguish, and brush it off – relieved that you are absolved of the task? Do you bring up any past misgivings, times you have done a favor for her – or otherwise manipulate, or play on her sense of guilt?
Back up…
Have you devised an alternative plan for unexpected complications? Did you research delivery services in case of emergency? Did you arrange to have an alternate friend on call that is able to pick up cupcakes at the store and deliver them to the event, in case of an emergency? What contingencies do you have in place? Or, are you simply counting on Lillian to follow through on her offer?
The time has come…
It is the day of the event and you are moments from leaving the house, to arrive on time for your preplanned event. On a whim, you call Lillian to ensure that she is set to deliver the cupcakes to the event. She confesses with her deepest apologies that she has been unable to bake the cupcakes. What do you do? How do you react?
Determination of fault…
More than likely, the reaction you choose in this scenario, will have a lot to do with your own preparedness? If you simply abandoned your obligation and transferred responsibility – making no alternative plans, this unforeseen situation may cause you to feel angry or betrayed. It may trigger your mind to reel with negative perceptions and victimization thoughts. You may feel compelled to overlook your own accountability and blame her for not being trustworthy. You may even bring up past instances when she had let you down. Regardless, what may have escaped your attention at that moment is your own accountability for this outcome.
Don’t forget who first abandoned the commitment…
If you find yourself in a crunch – it is probably because you failed to maintain adequate concessions to ensure the success of your commitment. Lillian may seem to be an easy scapegoat, but it is you who dropped the ball. It is you who neglected responsibility – by abandoning any sort of followthrough on your commitment.
However, if you had remained connected to your responsibility, chances are, you will be prepared to enact plan B. Sure, it may cause some inconvenience – but at least you are in control of your responsibility. And far less likely to blame, or mistreat your friend – who was only trying to help.
Not a hypocrite, just sayin…
Just because I know what is right, doesn’t mean, for a minute, that I always do what is right. I admit this is a discipline that I continue struggling to heed – in my own life. More often than not I still leave my house for work, with literally exactly the amount of time, to the minute, that is needed to arrive – failing to take into account traffic, lights, or other common scenarios. Which is ridiculous – especially in the Washington-Metro area. Nor can I keep track of the number of times I chose not to purchase gas on my way home from work because I was too tired, only to forget by the next morning. Regardless of any complications – it is my responsibility to arrive on time to work.
Empowerment or disempowerment…
Despite my own shortcomings, in knowing that my tardiness is a result of my choices – I am empowered to control the outcome. However, blaming traffic is only going to leave me feeling anxious and out of control. In taking responsibility, I am an active participant in controlling the situations of my life – rather than handing it off to something outside myself. At least in this scenario, there was plenty I could have done to ensure the success of my responsibility, and not doing it was a conscious choice I made. Perhaps next time I will choose to make adequate concessions to account for outside influences. But, no promises.
How about you…
I would love for you to share your experiences. Comment below or join me in self-discovery…
Join Me
Leave a Reply
You must be logged in to post a comment.