Self-imposed Imprisonment

A life-altering decision was made from the perspective of a small child – a child who knew that her very survival would depend on it. In the discovery that the world was far too cruel for her to be a part of, she locked herself in a safe place – deep within the recesses of her being. She made a promise to herself, that she would come back for her when she was empowered to be who she came here to be – when she would be safe.

This was me, so many years ago…

What I now understand, is that I was highly sensitive in an environment that wasn’t conducive to nurturing a child of this nature. In memories of my youth, I vividly recall looking around at other people and realizing that I was entirely different from the people who surrounded me. The magnitude of my ultrasensitivity, had me feeling incredibly raw and uncomfortable – not well equipped to handle the harshness of the outside world. An escape plan was forged, I knew that if I stayed and attempted to survive as is, a valuable piece of my being would be forfeited- a priceless aspect of my soul, that couldn’t be replaced, would be lost forever.

I felt I had no choice…

I concluded that the holy grail of my existence, wouldn’t be apparent until I was much older. I knew I had an important purpose for this life, a mission that I specifically came to earth to accomplish. Even at that young age, it was understood that for me to be successful in my intended path, I would need to preserve the sanctity of my authenticity – until I was in a position to effectively utilize it. It was apparent to me at a deep level, that the environment that currently surrounded me – had the potential to shift my perception, to a point that I may not have been able to recover from.

Planning for survival…

If I was to survive, I had to do something to protect myself in the interim – until I was afforded the freedom of adulthood. So, I lovingly locked my child self away in a safe haven, a sanctuary where she would be protected from the cruelty of the outside world – and created the mask and armor I would wear for the remainder of my childhood. Sensing the unnecessary and uncontrollable anguish they would cause in my current surroundings, it was also deemed advantageous for me to disengage from my emotions. After which, I built myself into a cocoon of impenetrable barriers – as a precautionary measure…an additional effort to shield myself from others.

Mission complete…

Once I had constructed my internal fortress, and all the valuable parts of my soul were safely tucked away – the aspect of me that the world would see, would be forever changed. I would become a party of one, navigating the world almost exclusively from a position of observation – with limited and careful involvement with the outside. Initially, it was a relief to be absolved of some of the pain of feeling – yet eventually, as I became further conditioned, suppressing my emotions became a pattern that was automatic…the decision to feel was no longer available to me.

Over time, the coping mechanism I had devised to survive my temporary circumstances, had become a permanent way of life. I had spent so many years, hiding in plain sight, trying to blend in – that the invisibility I learned to adapt, had eventually become comfortable. Once it was safe to emerge from my self-imposed hideaway, I discovered that psychologically, I remained a captive of mental imprisonment – no longer capable of relating to the outside world.

I found it exceedingly difficult to reintroduce myself to the outside world…

Through years of suppressing various aspects of myself, to be accepted – I had become someone else entirely. Having traded in my own values, for the mishmash of the opinions and rules I absorbed from others – I had inadvertently lost touch with the person I had tried so hard to protect. Because with each instance where I chose against my child self, it reverberated a clear message over and over, affirming that she wasn’t a priority – stripping away her power as her voice was silenced.

Ironically, as I continually neglected myself, I eventually forget my own value…

Although I now had grown past the unexplainable circumstances of my youth and had nothing to hide, I was unable to understand why I continued to feel extremely awkward in any form of personal communication. Remaining uncomfortable and guarded in conversation – despite outgrowing the circumstances that had originally mandated this particular behavior. It took a while to come to me, but once it did – I was forced to both face, and resolve, the situation I had created for myself.

It was all internal…

To be clear, there were no obvious indicators of being socially awkward – only my obsession with closely controlling, and staying within the confines of my comfort zone. I’m almost certain my insecurity was not detected by the majority of the people who have interacted with me over the years. For the most part, I have always been viewed by others to be an extremely happy and energetic person – sometimes bordering on overly positive, even idealistic. I am more than happy to give advice and have counseled more people that I can count – yet, I was always unwilling to risk divulging any personal information. Everyone who knows me would agree that they barely know anything personal about me.

Strongly averse to conflict…

If I had to give it a name – it was the potential for discord and betrayal that probably frightened me the most. To me, conflict of any kind was so excruciatingly agonizing, that I avoided it at all costs. There are no words to accurately describe the power this fear of conflict had over me – the constant choice of avoidance, had slowly transformed me into someone that no longer stood up for what she believed. I was unable to trust myself – lacking the confidence to defend either myself or my position. A far cry from the spunky and charismatic child that formerly inhabited my body – I scarcely recognized this person I had become. Deep inside I sensed something wasn’t right – but it would take many years for me to finally discover what that something was.

Overwritten with adopted beliefs…

Coming out of my self-imposed solitude, where I didn’t feel comfortable asking questions, there were many things that I didn’t fully grasp. My understanding of the world was picked up in bits and pieces, mostly by carefully observing the preferences and opinions of others as a guideline. I was intrigued with typical, and hyper-aware of the situations that were aggravating to other people – utilizing the information, to indirectly create an outline of normal. I abhorred being gossiped about and had yet to outgrow a stifling personal attribute – of receiving criticism very personally. In fact, any statement beginning with “Why would anyone”, piqued my attention, and was interpreted by me, as a clear indicator of unacceptable behaviors. I received it as a nonconfrontational alert signaling disapproval – a message that I would make note of, to avoid future conflict. Ironically, learning of this faux pas, did little to change my offending behavior – only heighten my dedication toward hiding it.

In the recesses of my solitary mind, the uncontested fear of exposure and conflict had grown strong roots – solidified in my psyche…

I now realize that the shield my child self constructed was far more effective at trapping things in than keeping things out. As a highly sensitive child, despite the measures I took to shield and protect myself, incoming attacks were not completely blocked – only partially filtered. So I devised additional behavioral precautions to provide additional protection – doubling up on defense mechanisms, to account for any chinks in my armor. Yet, despite any flaws in protecting myself from what was able to penetrate my secured bodily fortress – I was fully successful at controlling my output and refused to allow anything personal to escape.

I would not allow my emotions to be used as a weapon against me…

Regardless of how I was feeling on the inside, I was intent that it remained hidden there. To reduce the likelihood of being emotionally hurt, which terrified me more than anything, I independently concluded that I would need to fly under the radar. My strong aversion to criticism led me to the ultimate decision, the one that would override all others – to avoid undue discord. I was embarrassed and ashamed of circumstances in my life that were, at least for the time being, out of my control. As difficult as it was for the child me, who was ultra sensitive and compassionate, I knew it was paramount for me to maintain my composure – by any means necessary. I was keenly aware both of the power of my emotions, and the inability to control them, once they escaped.

Emotions were a variable that I was unable to reign in…

I don’t remember ever being taught how to effectively deal with emotions – other than what I observed, which was to simply avoid them. Other than the unpredictable explosion of anger, in witnessing the behavior of others, I had little other interaction with them. Especially ironic, because despite the void I sensed in everyone else – emotions were so paramount in my life, and I felt them so incredibly deeply. Despite emotions being my primary instinct, they also caused me additional and unwanted vulnerability.

Okay, I get it…

The crystal clear message I had ascertained, from the mocking reactions I received and attributed to them – was the disempowerment and illusionary nature of my emotions. They were not only illogical and confusing – but more importantly, they were not valued in the environment I was trying my best to navigate. I felt an overwhelming urge to keep my emotions closely guarded, and hidden from the outside world. I understood that certain highly charged topics had the ability to instantly expose my perceived weaknesses to the world – and I refused to allow that to happen.

My safe haven…

I discovered that throughout my years of isolation, and of safeguarding myself from harm – my comfort zone had shrunk to exclude anything outside of my body. Since I didn’t discuss my problems or difficulties, any negative perceptions I had, were not explained or resolved – rather, the severity exacerbated in the solitude of my mind. Eventually, I had become molded by fear, and automatically distrustful of divulging myself to others. So, despite my status as an adult and outgrowing the physical necessity for the protected sanctuary I had built, isolation had now become a deeply ingrained habit.

Forgotten self…

It had been so long since I forfeited my will or any personal input into my outside world – when the long-awaited time came, for me to regain control of my life, it was difficult for me to take back the reins. By then, I was unable to just pick up where I left off – now, I was a different person. Having formed so many alternatives, to circumvent my fears and engagement with the outside world – my mind had deeply ingrained new pathways. The path of my authentic self, the one that was so palatable when I was a child – was now foreign to me. Ironically, the little girl who took such measures of self-protection, in an effort to avoid losing sight of herself – had become an adult, who was more lost than ever.

Now, I get it…

Through self-discovery, I am now able to see both the trajectory and consequences – that my decision created. With the realization of my own involvement, I am no longer a victim of circumstances, too cowardly to stand up for myself – I am empowered. Now that I can see the plans my child self had for me, to love and protect me, I can look to that…as the foundation for the decision I made. She knew my value and fought so hard to ensure that I was shielded from the inevitability of my environment.

With this newfound understanding, comes brand-new options…

As an adult, there is no reason to still be afraid – I have almost unlimited potential to create the life that I want. It is no longer necessary for me to continue on a path, initiated from the lesser of two evils – I now have the freedom of more expansive choices. I can reignite that love I had for myself, the love of a little girl who risked everything to protect me and keep me safe through the trying years of childhood. The limitations and conditions I picked up to get here safely, are inconsequential – they are not me. The real me was shielded for my own protection – but now that I am safe, and know who I truly am…the mask can finally come off.

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