Although I can’t recall when it was, I vividly remember, as a kid, thinking that I was somehow different. I don’t recall what prompted it, but I vividly remember having a preoccupation with “normal” – and how I compared against my perception of what that was.
Through my childhood pondering, and in an effort to ascertain my own place in the world – I quietly observed the relationships and behaviors of others. I paid attention to the brashness of people’s cruelty, and it didn’t make sense to me – yet, ironically, it didn’t seem to be causing concern for anyone else. Something often seemed off when I tried to connect the dots between what people were expressing, and the sense I was intuitively receiving from them. And I couldn’t make sense of the discrepancies I felt – because, at that point, dishonesty wasn’t a concept that I was able to grasp. It never occurred to me that the same clarity of feelings I was so naturally sensing, may not be typical for everyone. Due to the physical invisibility of emotional sensitivity – its merit, at least for me, was often discounted.
Although I learned to put on a brave face, to detract anyone from noticing or highlighting, my peculiarity – inside, I was in complete agony. Pretending to ignore my deep feelings became overwhelming. My child self just longed to be normal – to blend in with everyone else, undetected. I began to resent my sensitively, growing somewhat envious of other people – who seemed capable of simply brushing off the same criticism that affected me so deeply. I often wondered…what is wrong with me?
So different…
It didn’t take me long to figure out the strong adversity I had toward conflict. I was taught to be keenly aware of my powerlessness and feared the eruption of anger that may have come from rocking the boat. So, most of the time when I sensed discord, I didn’t say much – choosing instead to peer out from my inner sanctuary, in an effort to quietly make sense of the world. I chose not to draw any unnecessary attention to myself – avoiding anything that may provoke others.
I knew that casually dealt insults or general cruelty would strike to the core of my being – yet, would roll off some people’s tongue with ease. However, to avoid spotlighting my inherent weakness, I went to great lengths to ensure that I appeared unaffected by it. In fact, it was rare that I outwardly expressed the avalanche of emotions that sometimes plagued my thoughts and pummelled my small body. I had gotten the message loud and clear – expressions of emotions were for babies and were completely unacceptable.
Come to think of it…
My child self was so sensitive to outside emotions – I really couldn’t tell you if my fear was predominantly based on actions or feelings. I realize it’s not fair to hold someone accountable for their energy, and I really don’t – but for me, negative energy was just as palatable as physical interactions. My strong intuitive sense was simply another method of interpreting my environment – I noticed no distinction between angry energy or angry words. Because, at least to me, they were felt the same. My sensitivity put me in the direct line of fire, of the energy that surrounded me – absorbing and interpreting my experiences, through the moods of others.
What did I do…
It is only recently that I have come to understand that children who are sensitive, as I was, have no choice but to incorporate these emotional impressions into their understanding of life. For some of us, the input we receive, by way of external emotional energy – is overwhelmingly real and impossible to ignore. However, unbeknownst to me, energy-sensing wasn’t a tool of perception that was utilized universally. Although at the time I didn’t realize it was unusual, I was receiving automatic insights about their emotional state, from my interactions with other people – feelings they were convinced, were hidden from the world. Being oblivious to my unique and uncommunicated understanding, the fact that attempts at concealing their state of emotion from me were futile – likely didn’t occur to them. And of course, I said nothing.
At least initially, my insights weren’t alleviated by contradictory verbal communication, or even silence – only interpreted in a different manner. Eventually, I came to automatically internalize responsibility for the moods of others – attributing myself to blame, when sensing negativity in others. Since I could clearly feel negative emotions, I determined that it must be my fault when someone was upset but didn’t communicate why – it must have been something that I did, that is causing their upset. Despite being far too shy for confrontation, I would internally concoct stories to account for my participation – my responsibility in their emotional state.
Eventually, I decided that something had to go…
Finally, I couldn’t take it anymore, something had to go. The discrepancies between my energetic impressions of people and the mannerisms I could physically see became too confusing. It was necessary for me to choose only one method of guidance, one way to interpret my world. Since my idealistic child self couldn’t fathom that people would be dishonest, I opted to assume that my internal sensing was inaccurate. Besides, it has always caused me discomfort anyway. So, at that point, I shut down my intuition in lieu of a reality, purely based in the physical.
The elephant in the room…
Since I recently discovered this from my own childhood – inadvertently blocking my own sensitivity to remain safe in this world. I can only assume that others have as well – only may not have discovered it. In understanding this more fully, with what I now know to be true, I am empowered to revisit my past and reevaluate some things – utilizing my current understanding. So many of the choices I made in the past – were decided using incomplete or misunderstood information, as was the perspective of my child self. Assessments that I made at the time, that I continue to use as a template to live my life by – I now find myself reviewing from an adult perspective.
Recovering myself…
This journey of self-discovery has taught me that I am no longer obligated to adhere to the same rules that shaped my childhood. Nor am I subjected to abide by the decisions I made – at a time when my choices were limited. Whether I decide to utilize it or not, I am now free to choose for myself – with a freedom that wasn’t available while I was dependent on others. I am no longer a scared child who was fearful of being seen as different – I now know that differences are what make us beautiful, and special. I realize that over the years, I never stopped to really reevaluate who I am. Sure, I devoted hundreds, if not thousands of hours seeking self-improvement theories, and pondering questioning my lack of fulfillment – yet, I never hit on this. Despite spending much of the last 20 years observing and analyzing certain aspects of my life, this one had escaped my attention – a blind spot that was so deeply ingrained in me, that it successfully avoided scrutiny.
It had been there all along, but once I noticed it everything finally made sense…
I am finally able to utilize the understanding I have accumulated in the years since I became independent, and expansion of my environment – enabling me with an opportunity to reorganize my life choices. I am empowered to revisit my childhood with a fresh perspective – an acceptance of myself and a newfound sense of value, for the unique qualities that make me who I am. Especially, the sensitivity that I abandoned – because it was unsafe for me to express. Only once I have embraced myself, and all that I am, I can recoup the lost parts of myself – the aspects that I am only now able to see their worth, as a vital part of me. Knowing what I am looking for, I can find the way back to my soul and life purpose – the intersection where, in choosing conformity, I diverged from my soul purpose and abandoned my authentic self.
It is only when I have retrieved the lost parts of myself, and pieced myself back together, can I truly appreciate who I am – finally, feeling whole again. Although I am no less different than I was as a child, I am now back to myself. No longer living life through adopted values or borrowed desires. I know who I am, flaws and all. Because I am in full acceptance of every aspect of my being, there is no need for me to apologize to anyone for who I am. Of course, I am not perfect, but I am finally whole again. I no longer need to hide or seek approval from anyone outside of myself.
Of course, I am far from discovering everything there is to know about myself – but this particular epiphony represented a huge milestone for me. Because I now know for certain, that wherever my path leads me, I have the tools I need to get me there.
Tell me about your experiences…
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