Right, Wrong, or Something Else

Although it can be a natural habit to slip definitive judgments into everyday conversations – doing so, may disrupt our peace of mind. Despite the reason for their interjection, certain words such as “right”, “wrong”, “good”, or “bad” – act as a trigger in our minds, sparking assessment, and prompt our foundational and conditional reaction. We commonly use these seemingly harmless words, indiscriminately – without realizing that they are loaded with way more than their title would suggest. Words that depict assessment judgments, in direct correlation with our level of identification with the situation – often signal an automatic, and emotional response within us. Any mental categorization of this nature can result in an instant transformation from neutral and detached to undeniably personal – causing us to feel combative, angry, victimized, or righteous.

Identification…

So, what determines right or wrong? How is it defined? Who sets the guidelines? Who is responsible to abide by these guidelines? Are they universally applicable to everyone or subjective? Consistent or situational? Real or perceived? Are all situations equal or are there variations of degree or levels? If it is variable, who is responsible for determining the severity of an infraction? Lastly, who is authorized to enforce these “rules”?

Aside from actual factual information, it’s personal…

Actually, and this is important – we are each responsible for choosing our own definitions as we see fit, or dismiss assessment entirely. Although, a useful tool in creating and determining personal preferences – often, these judgments are utilized as a form of usurping control over others. However, it’s not only unfair to insist that others abide by our personal opinions – but, it also evokes a power struggle that lies outside of our authority. It’s not our responsibility to assert our dominance over another person, even if we feel a strong urge to do so. We can only stipulate what we ourselves will accept for us, and maintain control over our own actions and behavior.

As highly personal as it feels to us, it is my opinion that our belief system is simply an organized set of rules that we have accepted. Words of judgment trick us into forgetting that our definitions are highly subjective – having been devised through accepted perceptions from our environment, as well as our personal situations, and experiences. And, just because something is right for me, doesn’t make anything else wrong. We often get so enmeshed in our own perceptions, that we fail to consider that there may be more than one “right”? Or that “right” may be different for me than it is for you? Or that differing opinions, are not necessarily wrong? We each see the world through our own unique understanding, one that is no better or worse than anyone else – just different.

Choice…

We are so conditioned into our thought patterns, that we rarely pause to consider the reality – with very few exceptions, we all have the freedom of choice. Sometimes we notice it on the flipside, acutely aware and possibly frustrated when others insist that we conform to their demands – but, not so much when we are the perpetrator. Either way, it is impossible to know what life circumstances would evoke anyone into their personal beliefs – and fairly pretentious of us, to assume our option is the only one that is correct. Life is not static, and not the same for everyone – each of us perceives our own reality from our personal perspective. However, that doesn’t stop some people from staunchly defending their viewpoint – as if it were the one and only. Adamant that others see things, as they do – and interpreting non-compliance of our values, as a personal attack against us.

Why we are compelled…

Similar to many of our mental processes, I believe this one is carried over from our childhood. We adopted this mindset at a time when it was developmentally necessary – yet, many of us have never thought to reevaluate it in our current life. Oftentimes, our parents utilized these same control tactics during our childhood – to teach us valuable life lessons and keep us safe. In light of our cognitive ability of the time, dichotomies such as “right” and “wrong” were internalized as simple, yet definitive labels – enabling us to quickly assess and sort our experiences. This was an age-appropriate method of learning about our environment and “how life works” – covering the basis for foundational understanding, through evaluation, processing, grouping, and retaining information. During this time, because we were dependent on our caretakers, our “choices” may have been quite limited. Since they represented the simplest and most effective form of age-appropriate communication, the guidance of child-rearing is often termed in absolutes. At least for me, there was not a lot of counseling, that I could remember, and no room for negotiation. We are often raised with a one size fits all approach -it was simply “don’t do that again”, or “that was wrong” or “WTF were you thinking”. Despite our own unique needs, many of us were forced to concede to the demands of others – controlled into acceptable behavior, by “punishment” and “reward”.

Sound familiar…

Many of us have continued this pattern from our childhood – and into our current reality. We don’t naturally consider freedom of choice – instead, slipping into the familiar patterns of our childhood. Utilizing the same well-worn tactics of punishment and reward, we previously endured – in our attempts to control others. Although we have outgrown much of the circumstances of dependance that prompted their initial creation, at least unconsciously, we continue to be ruled by these principles. These simplistic assessments and our ensuing patterns of controlling behavior have remained with us – complete with their emotional triggers. The differentiation in our personal freedoms, between then and now, is rarely considered – we simply transport our carefully preserved beliefs from our childhood, and utilize that same understanding in our current behavior. Our fundamental childhood learning style of Master and Servant – offered little flexibility for choice, opinions, or freedom. At one time, we were forced to comply – but now, it is our choice to continue.

Shift happens…

When we realize that we are no longer in the clutches of dependency, we can enact a more expansive mindset – the freedom of expanded possibility. It is in our power to release the rules that no longer serve us, and simply allow ourselves to choose what feels good for us – despite the “right and wrong” of our childhood. A lot of valuable information can be learned about ourselves, simply by investigating our own thoughts. The need to control, monitor, or enforce the opinions or behavior of others – can be an indicator that we are stuck in a mental entrapment of self-imposed punishment.

If we are hard-wired to a certain set of self-imposed regulations, we may insist that others also follow these guidelines. These are generally people who are all too concerned with what everyone else is doing, and happy to point out the flaws of other people – according to their own standards and values. Typically, they are miserable because they are constantly involving themselves in an impossible and frustrating venture – attempting to control other people. If this is familiar to you, ask yourself, why it is important to you. Why am I becoming reactive in response to the choices of someone else? What, at all, does it have to do with me? Chances are, it is a long-held and outdated behavior pattern – a souvenir from your childhood. It sometimes takes a pause for us to recognize our own contributions to this sort of behavior.

We did it…

At last, we made it. The moment we have been waiting for – we are finally adults. We are now in control of ourselves – at least physically. Although some of us remain controlled by our own choosing – we are now in a position to reevaluate our beliefs, on our own terms, and design our lives accordingly. It is our right to notice that we have outgrown their usefulness and banish the judgments that formerly controlled our lives. Finally understanding that most of our choices are just choices – not “right” or “wrong”, as we previously thought…guilt, disappointment, and self-loathing can melt away. All because we recognize that our feelings of lack, were only because we were judging ourselves against adopted values – values that were chosen for us, but that we are no longer obligated to follow. This shift represents the initial step toward self-acceptance. And as we begin to define and adhere to our own values, we gradually feel more and more comfortable in our own skin. As we progress down this self-empowered path, the reprimands we previously used to admonish ourselves, no longer seem important or warranted.

Ah, choice…

Most of our satisfaction in life occurs within our mind. It is possible for us to improve our lives, simply by altering the words that we use to describe. Words or phrases of assessment are prompts that trigger our automatic responses – so simply banishing these from our vocabulary of thought, will improve our overall state of peace. Instead of invoking statements of “right, and “wrong”, replace it with “choice”. Try saying the following statements out loud and notice how it feels in your body and mind.

• That is just wrong, what makes her think it is okay to act that way?
• She is not supposed to do that.
• How come she doesn’t care, I would never do that?
• Why do I get in trouble but that other person gets away with everything?
• Who does he think he is?
• I can’t do anything right.
• I am a failure.
• It isn’t fair.

Now try these.

• I accept that other people’s behavior is their choice.
• I understand that everyone is has a right to their own values and opinions.
• Others have a right to their opinion, just as I have a right to mine.
• I am only able to control my own behavior and consequences.
• I am only able to uphold my values within my own life.
• I detached from assessments of any kind – all choice is just choice.
• I choose for myself which choices are best for me at the time I choose them.
• Rather than berate myself, it is more effective for me to learn from my mistakes.
• There is no failure, only the opportunity to make better choices in the future.
• I take full accountability for the decisions I make.
• I release all attachments in assessing the decisions of others.
• The choices and behaviors of others have nothing to do with me.
• I will not allow myself to become affected by the choices or behaviors of others.

Do you notice a difference? Any shifts will not occur in the physical, but in the peace of mind, that can be felt within us.

Try it for yourself…

If it resonates for you – make it a habit to monitor your use of assessments. Babysit your thoughts to identify how often your mind naturally erupts into judgments and absolutes. Train yourself to detect when you use these dialogues – indicating a possible slip into outdated patterns. Write down what you notice and work to create a habit of more empowering thoughts. These statements are often just recycled through our mind, without any additional scrutiny. But, with our attention, we can clear out the thought processes that no longer serve us. Question yourself as to if something really is “good” or “bad”, and “right” or “wrong”. What makes it so?

At first, it is quite interesting to hear for ourselves, just how our mind operates. Many of us have never really paused long enough, to really observe our automatic mental thought processes. Over time, most of us have become fairly successful at ignoring the background noise of our minds – but a closer look can teach us a lot about our unconscious beliefs.

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