Anxiety no more

Anxiety was not the topic I had intended to focus on today, but I realize that it has been an issue that continues to come up. Not necessarily for myself, thankfully, but in helping others to conquer theirs. Obviously, I am unable to solve anyone else’s problems, only they can do that – but I can show them contributing factors, that they may have previously overlooked. If you are struggling with anxiety, I encourage you to ponder this post – and decide for yourself, if it resonates with you.

It’s all the same…

This past week especially, I have been exposed to many people who feel miserable and out of control. As they recount their various stories, I see past the surface and delve into the root – where I notice very little difference. Although their situations vary, depending on their personal experience, the outcome seems to be the same – they are all some type of unhappy. Some are disappointed, some upset, others sad – but all have felt out of control and powerless to change it. They don’t know why they are in whatever situation, and only want to feel better.

Happiness is an inside job…

For the most part, I have noticed that people tend to focus on the outer situations in their lives, as being the reason for their discontent. However, I believe that situations are merely a physical manifestation of a problem that has far deeper roots. The formula that dictates our lives is constructed beneath the surface, and will invariably determine the outcome of our experience. So, it isn’t too surprising when the individual situation is resolved – similar problems continue to return. In fact, once you fully discover how our minds operate, it will all begin to make sense.

This keeps happening…

I understand the frustration of solving one problem, only to have a similar one creep up quickly after. After a while it may feel as if happiness is futile – maybe this is just how life is, indeed a depressing proposition. You may even concede to defeat – perhaps some people are just lucky, and you are not. You have problems that other people don’t seem to have to deal with, and nobody understands. These, or similar, thoughts may reel through your mind – perhaps leaving you in a heap on the floor. You may ponder why these things keep happening to you while infusing your mind with fearful thoughts that it will happen again. You may feel as though you are out of control and powerless to manage your life, as thoughts of inferiority plague your mind and override your sensibilities.

You can’t stop the racing in your mind of reasons why this keeps happening or why you are treated this way. You go over the details over and over again, searching for some answers. You may zone in on a possible explanation, an “if only” – a singular choice that you or someone else could have done that would have changed the outcome you are experiencing. With the scenario you have devised in your mind, you assign fault with the appropriate party – blaming yourself, or others. This kinda works, until the same thing happens again, and you discover that the plan you constructed following the last round – didn’t work out as expected. Now, you have another failure on your resume – causing your feeling more incompetent than ever, at successfully managing your life.

But what hasn’t occurred to you yet, is that what you think is the problem isn’t really the problem. Until you solve the underlying problem, you will continue to experience the same problem – only with a different face.

If this sounds familiar, I can help…

For this process to work, is completely up to you – a choice that only you are able to make. Everyone has a story, and I truly empathize with them – in fact, some of them are really horrifying. Actually, I find it a bit uncomfortable when someone continues to argue their past, as a reason for the status of their current situation. Mostly because I am unable to truly understand their feelings on the matter because they are correct – I don’t know how it feels. However, trigger alert, I also believe that it is usually inconsequential. This is not to say that I am insensitive, because the opposite is true. I am more than happy to sit and listen to your trauma, and even cry with you about it, but it is not in anyone’s best interest to allow it to poison our future. I prefer to focus on the choices that are available to us now – live in the past, or build a better future.

Which do you choose…

Choosing the latter will require a commitment to follow-through. In order to heal it is essential that you make it a priority, to devote yourself to who you want to be. You will need to take a leap of faith in the direction of growth and understanding of ourselves. Your past, doesn’t necessarily dictate your future, but if you continue on the same trajectory you have been headed – it most certainly will. We all have the choice of free will and have all been gifted with the ability to decide for ourselves…the life we want to live. I believe in you, you are worth it! But, what I say doesn’t matter, you need to believe in yourself.

Getting started…

Ironically, since this is one of my personal challenges, the organization is key, to the success of this process. We will need to determine what is our responsibility and draw clear boundaries – ensuring that we avoid playing outside of our personal field. In my experience, the root of anxiety is from lack of control. Now, when I mention that, most people tend to be in agreement. However, when I add that it stems from our taking responsibility for something that is outside of our control – that sometimes triggers some pushback. That is…until I question further.

So, what exactly is our responsibility…

Now, this, in particular, has been a topic that people seem to think they understand – only to realize later, that they had been mistaken. However, it is this misunderstanding, and the ensuing situations that it causes, that result in most of our anxiety. It isn’t initially realized that one small tweak in our perception can change the course of our life.

Despite any behavior to the contrary, we may exhibit from time to time – we can only control ourselves. The sooner we allow that to sink in, and alter our behavior to reflect this truth – the more joy and control we will have in our lives. Anxiety is a byproduct of lack of control – of things not transpiring as we want them to. We may feel that we aren’t treated properly, or that certain situations are unfair, or that we are powerless. But I notice a commonality of all of these feelings – many of us are allowing ourselves to be affected by things that we are unable to control, ones that are outside of us.

So what is in our control? Our behavior and our choices. That is it, final, complete, done! If I listen really closely, I can almost hear the “yeah, buts”, because I don’t understand your situation. I agree that I have no idea what your personal situation is – but, I also know that it doesn’t really matter. The situation can be anything, but the formula remains the same.

Whatever personal situation we find ourselves is irrelevant – but, when we detach ourselves from the behavior and choices of others, a mental shift invariably takes place. We begin to feel within ourself, a better sense of control. Taking away the variables that are outside of us, that we had previously been entangled with – enables us with a priceless opportunity, to get a clearer understanding of ourselves. From this foundation, we can grow in the direction of our desire.

If this resonates with you, keep reading…

So the first step will be to write down everything in your life that is causing discontent within you. Everything.

• Unfairness
• How people act
• How they treat you
• What they do
• And anything else

Now sort it out…

On a separate sheet of paper, draw a line vertically down the center. One the top of the left side write “My Responsibility or Can Change” and on the right-hand side at the top write “Not My Responsibility or Cannot Change”. Now, go through your list and sort out your responsibility. Use the following questions to help you decide.

• Is this my responsibility?
• Am I 100% in control of the outcome?
• Is an adequate outcome of it reliant on variables that are outside of my control?
• Do I have expectations of something or someone outside of my control?
• Am I affected by someone else’s expectations of me?

Outside of our control…

The following are a list of things that, despite our being affected by them, are outside of our control. We have absolutely no power to control any of these – and any belief to the contrary will only leave us anxious.

• Other people’s behavior
• Other people’s choices
• Other people’s attitude
• Other people’s actions
• Other people’s beliefs
• Other people’s opinions
• Other people’s values
• Other people’s opinions of us

Now, the hard part – letting it go…

With this list, we will be working exclusively from the left side – because everything in the right-hand column is not our responsibility. We are narrowing our focus so we have more energy to devote to the things that really matter, the areas where our decisions make a difference – ourselves. It is mandatory that anything we are unable to control, be released. Our history with it is irrelevant, today is the start of a new way of life. Today is the day that we begin to invest in ourselves.

Now, this detachment is purely a mental formality – since we never really had any control of it anyway. However, when we acknowledge a release from responsibility – we free ourselves from responsibility for a situation that we have no control over. The ensuing feeling of freedom is indescribable – as we no longer feel codependent in the behavior of others. It isn’t necessary that we abandon relationships unless it is our choice to do so – only now we can accept their choices as their own, without being a consideration, in our behavior. We are no longer reeled into their choices, their opinions, or their moods. We are returning responsibility for their own choices and behavior – to the rightful owner.

Now we concentrate on us…

At the onset, this can be a time that is either extremely scary – or overwhelmingly liberating. If you happen to be someone who has made a life out of blame and victimization, this may initially be quite terrifying. However, these are the people who have the potential to reap the greatest rewards from this process. With nobody to blame, it will become necessary for them to rebuild a relationship of trust within themselves. In the absence of reliance on outside sources, eventually, they will begin to learn who they are – by utilizing self-exploration, to rediscover themselves.

But first, accountability…

If it is our responsibility – we are committed to ensuring that we maintain control over it. That means all of it. No more blame. If someone treats us a certain way, 9 times out of 10, it is because we allowed it. And any reasons that we come up with to justify it, are merely excuses. Additionally, it sends a message to us, that we are a victim. That we are powerless over our lives. But, that is not true. Our decision to take responsibility, puts us in the driver’s seat, opening us up to discover solutions – ones that are overlooked in the powerlessness of victimization. Banish disempowerment from your vocabulary and replace it with empowerment.

• I had to / I chose to
• He or she did / I allowed

Notice the shift…

In the previous choices, notice how the first option denotes defeat, a final concession. Do you feel a deflation in energy when you say it? However, the second one offers the opportunity for expanded choice. Since it is accepted as a choice, we enable the possibility of choosing differently in the future. Initially, it may be harder to accept but gives us a starting point to build our internal strength. When we focus and rely on, only what we can change, our life naturally becomes more secure. We tend to take the extra steps necessary to ensure that we are doing all we can to ensure our own success. We also begin to respect our own values, as a personal preference – enabling us to incorporate them for our own benefit, into our lives.

Now, in going back to the previous paragraph. On the physical level, between the two choices, nothing has changed – but the ensuing mindsets, are worlds apart. This tiny alteration creates an internal shift – transforming hopelessness into strength. You always have the choice to take back your power, even if your only choice is your response.

And then, a miraculous shift occurs – as momentum increases, we realize that we no longer want to relinquish our power – even in our mistakes. Because we finally and fully understand that even our missteps are a tool for learning and growth. As self-respect and internal trust builds within us, we notice that we owe it to ourself to be the best we can be – because we finally understand that we really do deserve it.

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