A Long-Forgotten Pact

It was only recently, that I began to piece together the effect my childhood has had on my current life. Looking back, its so clear to me – I can see how the seeds of my experiences, along with my personal interpretation of them, have dictated the person I have become.

Old habits die hard…

I remember planning my future when I was a kid – sitting alone in my room and dreaming of the life that was in store for me, in years to come. It entailed, not just lofty, overly ambitious dreams, but also simple ones – everyday pleasures, that many kids my age took for granted. Ironically, none of my dreams were planned for the short-term, every one of them was set for my adult life – and not through to my adult life, but beginning there.

Forsaking the present…

I somehow knew that my childhood was not mine and that my contributional involvement – was simply as a tag along. I understood that being a child offered no real power or freedom, and I could see that I was at a definite disadvantage. Since it was clear that I couldn’t win, I made a conscious decision to conceded my own will – to avoid unnecessary conflict.

In preparation to shield myself, from absorbing the toxicity that surrounded me, I shut myself down – mentally retreating within, constructing an inner space where I was able to withdraw emotionally from a world I was unable to control. I protected myself, by hiding the vulnerable parts of me in the safety of an internal shelter – to be locked away until I was at a safe place in my life, to pick up where I left off. Because, although my current imprisonment was clear, I knew the day would come – when I could control the circumstances of my life. So, I made a plan to bide my time, until that day came.

Forgotten promises…

In my idealistic child mind, I would just fast forward through my childhood. Nothing else would change, I would remain the same person – only an adult, who was able to choose the circumstances and environmental factors in her life. I would no longer be forced to endure the horrors I currently faced, I would finally have control and choice – and it was going to be magnificent. I truly believed that if I could only survive into adulthood, I would simply pick up from there. Yet, by the time I became an adult – I was no longer the same…I was changed.

Clarity had dissipated…

At some time in the interim, between the pact I made with myself and the adult, I had become – I lost sight of myself and the plans I had for my life. Time had erased the memory of the pact I made when I was a little girl, the plan I devised, only to lessen the burden of my current circumstances, and survive until adulthood – at which time I would be rewarded, with the long-awaited freedom of choice. But, by the time I arrived at adulthood and had the physical freedom of choice – it was now in my own mind, that I was imprisoned.

Temporary, my butt…

One thing my idealist child mind hadn’t accounted for when devising the master plan to survive childhood, was the true impact of the decision – the long-term consequences. Despite my clear vision of transplanting my current reality, intact and unscathed, yet 10+ years into the future – it appears that I failed to account for a couple of teeny tiny details. Such as the realization, that continual devaluation of my own needs, would adversely affect my self-esteem – yep, that one completely escaped my attention!

Little by little…

I didn’t realize it at the time, but the temporary decision of my child-self to avoid discord, and hide from the world – has much to do, with certain limitations in my current reality. I simply saw it as a solution to a temporary problem – not realizing the ease, with which it would seamlessly infiltrate, reprogram, and condition my thoughts. Yes, this decision would become a defining moment for the rest of my life – invoking the initial command to my subconscious, to choose avoidance of conflict, over the desires of my authentic self. A habit that would become an overriding theme in my life.

The changes in me were gradual – so gradual, that they escaped my attention entirely.

As I continued to consistently side, in opposition to my authentic self – by design, my internal programming took notice. As it detected the predictability of my choices increase, shortcuts relating to these quickly establishing patterns were being etched in my mind. Ensuring that over time, I would no longer be bothered with the inconvenience of decision-making, with regard to choices I was consistently making. Unbeknownst to me, once my mind had grasped the understanding of what I was communicating to it – the manual process of contemplation had become automatic. In theory, what was intended to be a short-term coping mechanism, eventually changed my entire perception of reality – becoming my way of life.

By consistently dismissing my own needs, in favor of, what I deemed as “keeping the peace”, I was abandoning my authenticity in the process – essentially voting in opposition to my own worth. At the time I only noticed the decisions I was making, as a solution to my problems – but neglected to realize the repercussions of my actions. However, in reality, each time I sided against myself – what I was really doing, was communicating to myself, that I didn’t really matter. Sending myself a message that my own needs, are secondary to those of everyone else – that I wasn’t deserving, of being a priority. Following decision after decision, of ignoring my desires, I began to forget that I even had any. For every instance I didn’t stand up for myself or my opinions – a piece of me was relinquished.

Over time, it became natural for me to sink into the abyss of my inner world. I found comfort in my inner retreat – preferring it over taking an unnecessary and potentially costly risk…of trusting others. Scared and embarrassed about what people would think if they knew my situation – I found myself plagued by a constant and preoccupying fear of how they would see me. Convinced that when I was able to feel more comfortable about my surroundings, and more secure about myself – I would simply emerge from my self-imposed cocoon. Despite it being situational and temporary at its introduction in my life, years later, I knew little else – I had all-but-forgotten how to relate to people.

I didn’t notice the process as I was going through it…

During early adulthood, I was in a state of confusion – I wasn’t yet aware of the process of transformation I had journeyed through, or even my own contributions toward the outcome of my current reality. However, what was abundantly clear, was my dissatisfaction with life – I was merely a shell of my former self. I had become a literal stranger to myself and out of sync with my own desires. Having spent so much of my life disregarding my own needs, I had forgotten how to advocate for myself – and more importantly, that I was even worth the effort.

For the first time, in a long time…

I discovered that it was myself, not anyone else, that is responsible for setting my value. If I wanted to change my life – I needed to trust, love, and support myself. It was important that I take back control over myself – nobody else is a better authority than I am, in deciding what is best for me. For far too long, I have valued the opinions of others over my own – a pattern that I am intent on rectifying. My new affiliation is with myself and my authenticity – I am finally putting my needs at the forefront. For the first time ever – weighing in my own best interest, as a factor, in the choices I make. Presently, I am focused on the process of rekindling and rebuilding, a better relationship with myself – learning, trusting, supporting, and growing.

It wasn’t until I delved into my own self-discovery, that it all began to make sense…

Don’t get me wrong, I am far from perfect, but I am now far ahead of where I was – and have the tools and knowledge to explore. Through the therapy of writing my “Winning at Life” courses, several epiphanies occurred to me – answers in explanation of my most baffling personal attributes, have suddenly become clear to me. During the self-exploration methods I use in my training, I was able to gain a newfound and comprehensive understanding. I was finally able to see, not just “who I was”, but “why I was” – and the actuality was so different than I had previously thought. My previous confusion was replaced with a knowing, a cut, and dried understanding, for the trajectory my life has taken thus far – leading me to my current reality. And with that knowing, previous limitations I had been struggling with – have simply dissolved.

How about you…

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