Managing Expectations

Since I began writing my courses, I have found myself hyper-aware of my own behaviors, and the reasoning behind them. I “watch myself” from a detached position, so that I am better able to analyze and learn. Although this has taught me a lot about my thoughts and automatic responses, there are times when I still get thrown for a loop.

I didn’t see it coming…

I consider myself to be a fairly rational person, most of the time. And I generally avoid behavior that I deem reactive – but on this day, I couldn’t help myself. I had just been informed of a situation, from an acquaintance – the situation, that was to set off this chain of events. The conversation ended with her apologizing “I wasn’t sure if I should tell you!”, and me reassuring her that it was the right thing to do. I counseled her that I was fine, and I was…until I thought about it.

As soon as she left, it hit me…

I am stable in my beliefs – in fact, I have spent the better part of a year identifying and organizing my beliefs into a course, to teach others of my clear understanding, of the inner workings of our mind. Yet on this day, I admit, my ego got carried away. I check listed the processes I knew, and attempted to coach myself through my anguish. However, the best I could muster, was being able to logically identify the how and why – but the feelings were still overwhelming.

I was triggered…

At the same time I was ashamed of my reactionary and fear-based thoughts, knowing that my ego had taken control and was now in charge – I was unable to coax myself back to sanity. As an observer, I listened in, as my ego took the stage. Far from the perspective of love and openness, that I have taught so many others, to guide them to an improved state of mind – there I was, engaged in the same trap I had warned so many others to avoid. Ironically, despite the systematic predictability of my mental process, that I knew so well – I was doing everything that I cautioned against.

In the absence of actual knowledge, my mind raced with an abundance of fearful thinking – assessments, expectations, and assumptions..all of it. My ego constructed a full-blown story, filling in the gaps of unknowns, with speculative fears. In a matter of a couple of minutes, I questioned everything about both myself, and this other person. As anxiety flooded my body – my mind began a run a constant loop of internal scolding. Along with other criticisms, I berated myself for trusting, going outside my comfort zone, and exposing myself. That’s what I get, I deserved it.

I caught myself…

Just before I resigned myself to a life of solitude, logic finally was able to peek through. I admit I was still hurt, deeply so – but was in a more rational mindset to begin the process of analysis. There was a noticeable shift in my perspective, once my emotions had settled down. Whew, the convincing power of the dynamic duo, of ego and emotional triggers – can be brutal.

At last, perspective…

I wanted…no, needed, to get to the root cause of this. Why was this such a big deal? I thought about it – I mean really thought about it. I decided that I wasn’t exempt from the exact behavior that I was so upset about – at various times in my life, I know I have been guilty of it. And I’m certain I wouldn’t be so shaken if someone else did it, so why her? Why was I being so unfair to her? I knew I was being unfair, I just didn’t understand why.

After some thought, I realized that it wasn’t what this person did or didn’t do that upset me – it was my expectation, and personal values, that had tripped me up. Through my own self-coaching, I discovered that the “behavior”, only bothered me – because it was her. I wasn’t seeing her as a standard, everyday person – I expected more from her. In reenaction of my mental dialog, I recalled some of the highlighted emotional triggers – she wouldn’t do that, and how could she, and why would she betray me. I had set her up in my mind with a prestigious label, “friend”, a label that I rarely handed out. Illogical as is sounds, in my mind, that label – carried with it, huge expectations.

So, where I may not have been upset with these exact same actions by someone else – by adding the word “friend”, my entire perception was altered, the affront would take on a new meaning. Due to the emotional attachment and sacredness I had assigned to this label, I was no longer able to see the situation neutrally – it was now deemed a personal attack, a betrayal. And while I logically knew it was my problem, not hers – I was unprepared for the raw emotional agony I was feeling.

Through additional analysis, I discovered more specifically, the enormity of responsibility I had assigned – the label of “friend”, as I had constructed in my mind, carried heightened expectations. For me, the term friend isn’t just a neutral or cavalier position, but a tremendous value to me – it is a special, rare and prestigious honor.

What’s the big deal…

Granted, this is all in my head…but, being an intently private person, I notice myself closely guarding the trust I invoke in others – and only recently realized, my expectations, of unrealistic loyalty. Aside from family, I am diligent in maintaining control over the people I allow into my inner world. While I find it natural to counsel others, it is from a neutral perspective – rarely exposing much of myself.

Friendship is not a label that I willingly dole out, I don’t have many friends, and hardly ever open myself up to people – but I felt a natural comfort with this person that coaxed me from my self-imposed solitude. I felt so comfortable and safe in her company, that I began letting down my guard – sharing things with her that normally remained hidden from the world. As our friendship blossomed, she quickly became both a confidant and coveted companion – someone I could…dare I say, trust. In a matter of only weeks, I had entrusted her with more about myself than I ever offered anyone outside my family – holding her to the very highest regard. An unrealistic and unfair assessment – that did nothing but set me up for disappointment.

So when it happened…

In an instant, my ego was summoned and took control from there – my emotions were enacted and quickly overwhelmed me, pushed any semblance of logic to the side. The label, as I had constructed it, was enacted as an idealistic bar, used to evaluate the severity of my predicament. A wave of realizations were coming to me – how I had gambled and lost; how I had let someone in, only to get burned; and reached outside my boundaries of comfort, only to be punished for it – essentially, my entire world came crashing down. I was relentless in the scolding I bestowed on myself – it was all my fault. I constantly berated myself for being cavalier and foolish. Now, it was too late, I had carelessly given away access to the most intimate recesses of my soul – a part of me, that was now lost forever.

Dramatic, I know – but, this all stems from my own insecurity and fears of being hurt. Is it really that serious? Logically, no. Yet, when my expectations weren’t met, it triggered my mind into assessment mode -running through the gamut of fear-induced perceptions. However, this has everything to do with my own fears, and nothing to do with her.

A mental shift takes place when we assign a label…

We set a standard for what the “label” is to be – all that, in our mind, it entails. Yet, when we infuse a label with expectations and responsibilities – it primes our natural instinct for assessment. The moment a label is enacted, the individuality of, whatever has been labeled, is forfeited – instead, becoming a mere set of mentally devised rules, that dictates our expectations of it. But, by setting up parameters for what “should be”, we are essentially enacting a hard wired protocol for acceptability – a standard that must also carry consequences for anything outside the guidelines we have assigned. But, not only is it unfair to inflict our own values, of acceptability for the behavior of others, it is also impossible to manage. Yet, in essence, we take on this responsibility. Because, in drawing a line in the sand, between right and wrong – in many ways, we become personally accountable. Depending on our investment, in upholding the integrity of it, we are expending variable degrees of our peace. And, whether we want it to or not, it now has gained control over our sense of tranquility – dictating an automatic emotional response, in reaction to any perceived slights, against our assessment of it.

Added expectations…

So, where I may not have been upset with these exact same actions by someone else – by adding the word “friend”, my entire perception was altered. Due to the emotional attachment I had assigned to this label, I was no longer able to see the situation neutrally – it was now deemed a personal attack, a betrayal. So my first instinct was one of self-protection – a sudden and powerful urge to retreat, to pull back, to withdraw my energy.

Be weary of underestimating…

Since I was certain of my solid control over my unconscious, this situation was a rude awakening of the truth of the matter. Our subconscious has tremendous power and swiftness, in gaining control and overriding, over our logical reasoning. And although, for the most part, I understand the signs – I will no longer underestimate the cunning and conviction, of my ego, in disrupting my peace.

So, whats a girl to do?

Despite the degree of turmoil I felt, all of my struggles in this instance, went away instantly when I enacted a simple decision…to let it go. There is a freedom of being that reveals itself – only upon releasing expectations relating to our labels, or the label itself. If we dismantle our mental construction of expectation and assessment, by simply allowing “what is” to be okay, we are no longer subjecting ourselves to emotional fluctuations – that stem from internal conflict and/or competition.

Experienced something similar, I would love to hear about your story in the comments section. Or, click the button below to join us on our 21-day journey of self-exploration.

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