Pinpointing vulnerability

It is only now that I am taking, some of, the necessary steps to overcome my natural tendencies…that my innate methods of execution have emerged, from the depths of my unconscious – and become clear to me. I can now admit to myself, a lifelong habit of circumventing areas of discomfort.

Since beginning my self-discovery process, I have noticed patterns in my own behavior – personal and systematic procedures, that my mind has used to adapt to my environment. It was in neutrally observing my reactions and automatic mental processing, that I realized something about myself – something that I had previously ignored. And, although for anyone who knows me personally, this may not come as a shock – but it was the first time that I actually recognized this pattern in myself.

I first noticed, when I really paid attention to my automatic thought process…

Despite the extended time it took me to really pay attention – in hindsight, the pattern had presented itself many times prior. Yet, what I discovered had only occurred to me, when I decided to view myself and my actions, from a different perspective – a detached perspective. This simple shift would enable me to identify my own vulnerabilities – the limitations that were holding me back.

The realization…

It began with an idea, as it always does. I had decided that I wanted to design a website, a community website, to introduce others to various healing modalities. “Okay, great!”, I will start a website. So I begin researching “how to start a website”, and without saying anything to anyone, gather all the information I can find – to plunge forward in my new quest.

After settling on a “domain”, and ordering “hosting”, I set forth to make my vision a reality. I had a clear idea of how I wanted it to look, and what I wanted it to offer. Receiving “on the job training”, in learning to overcome problems as I encountered them – in my own systematic approach. I discovered that most of these roadblocks were addressed in the same manner – individually researched, resolved, then forgotten. But in further investigation, it was revealed to me – that not every encountered problem, carried the same process of resolution. At least for me, issues involving a technical roadblock were approached much more linearly than ones that threatened my sense of security.

But I also discovered something else…

I noticed the areas where I was unable to remain rational – where, despite my strong desire toward a goal, I couldn’t bring myself to follow through with the step by step solutions outlined. It wasn’t that I didn’t believe the validity of advice, or thought that I knew better – I was paralyzed by fear, a fear so terrifying, I was unable to force myself to push past it. It became obvious to me that any emotional discomfort I felt, would automatically trigger an internal mental process – to circumvent uncomfortable situations.

Step 1 Check, step 2 check, step 3 – heck no, I’m not doing that…

I definitely noticed the difference, I had two very distinct methods of dealing with problems. For the most part, I was able to remain calm, even when encountering diversions that stopped my momentum – and involved learning a totally new skill to overcome. I would just work through the steps, as they were outlined – that is unless it tapped into a source of insecurity. I was the pinnacle of rationality until I hit a block that invaded my comfort zone, – at which point, in avoidance, I would get really creative. In hindsight, I guess it was my way of “pseudo” overcoming a barricade – but without actually investigating or solving the cause of the problem. Though watching my thoughts, I learned that my mind would go into auto-pilot to create alternative solutions, for instructions that were outside my personal boundaries of comfort – or ignore them altogether. In observation mode, I noticed the excuses my mind would concoct before creating a circumvention to avoid, my personal, areas of discomfort. I would automatically form concessions, or an “out”, to excuse myself from following the course – when I felt extreme anxiety, over an involved “step”. However, what wasn’t brought up for debate – was the validity of the fear.

Not a conscious awareness, rather a trained impulse of protection…

My mind honed right in on the anxiety, glazing past both rationale and evidence of truth – involving the discomfort I felt. Seeking only to protect myself from the anticipated threat – as my mind was convinced, it would occur. The reasoning for the fear was not addressed or even questioned – it was simply assumed. I must admit, my mind is genius at utilizing my body to convince me of its validity – in the absence of logical evidence. It’s embarrassing to admit how many rounds I went through, even in the pursuit of self-discovery, before I thought to consider these fears as anything other than a very real and solid fact. Before even bringing up the suggestion, of whether or not they were actually based in reality.

At least for me, it was difficult to dismiss these carefully planned, and coordinated efforts – plotted to keep me from considering further investigation. The initial domino effect begins, when an event is interpreted in our mind to be a threat. Prompting a flood of fearful thoughts to being triggered – summoning them from their permanent location in the subconscious, to overwhelm and manipulate any logical thought. Meanwhile, at about the same time – telltale, and impossible to ignore, queasiness in the stomach often interjects – a stern physical warning to retreat. Okay, you win. At least for me, these smoke and mirrors were plenty enough to convince me of my fears, and keep me in check – obediently contained within the confines of my self-imposed, yet limiting beliefs.

An established pattern was formed…

So, in my mind, between the perception I was convinced would happen and the alternate I devised – the choice was clear. Any additional effort involved, struck me as a small price to pay, for avoiding extreme discomfort – or in cases it wasn’t, I have been known to abandon projects altogether. I vividly recall finding myself in absolute horror, when practically all of the suggestions I encountered for marketing a website, included personal identification – the pinnacle of all my deepest insecurities. I found myself at a crossroads, where the two sides of me came to a head, and I would be forced to choose – between ambition and fear. Nope, I choose option 3.

Creating seg-ways…

Predictably, at least as I understand it now, my mind began to investigate ways of cheating – pondering how I can produce a similar outcome while avoiding discomfort. So my mental process was sparked as I thought about it – how can I market myself, without showing myself…Eureka, it came to me. Animation. I will use animation to create a short video. So, rather than take 30 seconds to create a personal video, I spent the better half of a week, circumventing my insecurity – that’s how I roll. Additionally, there were other workarounds that were devised for that particular project – including the ample use of third-person pronouns. And the intentional absence, of any indication of my personal identity or ownership of the ideas, contained.

So, does this make sense logically – uh, no!

This is just a single example, but I realize the same process – repeating itself all the time. In fact, I can pinpoint the degree of my vulnerability, simply by noticing the lengths I go to avoid them. A guide that previously was used to enable my carefully balanced involvement to include a quick abort button, to use in an emergency, when the going got tough – but that’s in the past. Now -ready or not, I am coming out of hiding and intent on forging a new path. Cowering to my fearful thoughts may keep me safe from my fear of being ousted – but in anonymity, I am only continuing to hide from the world. A guise that may protect me from fears of criticism, but prevents me from really truly expressing my authentic self – a half-assed concession that I am no longer able to accept.

I admit that the fear is not gone, there are still trepidations, but I am intent to stand up, at least to the ones I notice – in refusal of blindly obeying its urgings. I will investigate further, to uncover the seed – responsible for producing the thought, and determine its plausibility. Or utilize actual experience, to “see” what happens, rather than accept a mentally constructed illusion – as the basis for reality.

Through self-exploration…

I have noticed in myself, some of the ploys of my ego. At times I listened in, as my automatic thoughts were unsupervised – witnessing the fear-fueled question and answer sessions with my ego. Utilizing only beliefs and perceptions, an entire story was devised to both justify and legitimize – the subjects of my fear. A completely thought out mental projection that had me believing, beyond a shadow of a doubt, the trajectory of its course – a mental vision that was both palatable and real. Despite reality, where it’s safe to say, that none of these fears are founded – my automatic processing utilized, and defended, these “fear-based perceptions” as truth.

The good news…

Despite the obvious drawbacks, this process has also enabled me an accidental benefit – the ability to creatively, think outside the box. This process that I originally established, as a survival mechanism, to hide from extreme discomfort – has doubled as a useful and well-practiced tool. An intrinsic tendency toward seeking out and noticing alternative solutions – combining flexibility with exploration, to discover previously hidden opportunities.

What about you…

Are there any personal experiences, where you have noticed yourself identifying with an unsubstantiated fear? Tell us about it.