Perpetually anonymous

This is not my first website. There have been plenty of other projects, prior to this one – yet they have always been anonymous. Even the self-discovery courses I am currently authoring, are written from a detached perspective. Everything I have previously created has been hidden behind the guise of branding – to conceal my personal opinions and interests. My thoughts were always disguised through the general pronouns of “we” and “us”. I just wasn’t capable of bringing myself, face to face, with my paralyzing fear of exposure.

I guess my biggest fear is of approval...

Despite my general outward demeanor, I am a quite sensitive person – and have an overwhelming aversion to criticism. So, my mind constantly reels with a loop of insecurities. Such as “what if my opinions aren’t received well”, or “what if people think I’m crazy”, or “what if I become a laughing stock”, or “what if people criticize or make fun of me” – when I write anonymously, I needn’t worry about any of this. Sharing from behind a screen, enables me to express myself, but with a safety net – allowing me to bail out, if necessary.

But, not now…

There is no more hiding, my personal identity is at stake here. I realize that in order to overcome my fear, I needed to confront it head-on – and with no escape. There is no alternate Wendy Carhart-Butler, so I am forced to take open and public responsibility for myself – representing a risk that, honestly, terrifies me.

It’s simply an unjustified fear…

It’s not that I frequently engage in racy or risque behavior, or that I have a secret double life. Nope, I am about as average as they come – middle age, middle class, married for 18 years, with three kids. Living in the same house for 15 years – in Maryland suburbia. No scandals, addictions, or even phobias. The details of my life would make an unremarkable – even boring biography. In fact, nothing in my life would legitimize my need for such extreme, and guarded privacy.

No one cares…

Judging from the manner that I protect my inner- self from the world, you would think that I was a famous celebrity, dodging paparazzi left and right. I understand that it is ludicrous, and nobody is all that interested in my life – but this logic, doesn’t make it any less uncomfortable. I feel a sense of relaxation when I am able to engage from the safety, of invisibility. Anonymity has allowed me the comfort of a much-needed buffer, a shield, between myself – and my anticipation of criticism, that terrifies me. At least consciously, I know that it doesn’t matter what other people think and that it is impossible to make everyone happy – but I have yet to outgrow the uncomfortable feeling it sparks in me.

But now, I am out…

In writing my courses, I had a sudden epiphany – it occurred to me, that in order for me to grow past my own limitations, I would need to push past my boundaries. I realized I was standing on a soapbox, coaching others on their lives – meanwhile, continuing in my own life, to cower away from my personal source of discomfort. But, that has all changed with the launch of wcarhartbutler.com. With the introduction of this website, there is no more hiding, I have pushed myself out there – past the point of no return. Since it exposes my personal name and information -there is no branding, no company…no longer anything to hide behind. I am confronting my greatest fear, head on. And I hope that in doing so, I can help others to do the same.

I challenge each of you to do the same. What fear is holding you back – and more importantly, what are you going to do about it.