Who does that!

What kind of attention seeking person, views themselves as so important, that they feel the need to write a personal blog! Who would even do that? Why do they think anyone would care? And using their real name, WTF!

Yep, that would be me – and these were my opinions on self-promotion.

For me, writing this blog is an effort to expand my boundaries – pushing the envelope, past my natural inclination toward, what others may deem, extreme secrecy. The mere act of publishing this blog, and publicly sharing stories of a personal nature, and especially using my own name – was a source of extreme discomfort for me. I can’t describe the anguish I felt, in every step leading up to this, as I wrestled with myself about the impact of this decision. Both insecurity and extreme fear have accompanied me through this entire process. This blog represents my own journey of personal healing through self- discovery – a journey that I am willing to share with anyone who is interested.

Totally out of character…

Seemingly odd for some people – but, I am uncomfortable whenever the proverbial spotlight shines on me, and feel extremely awkward receiving special attention. I avoid engaging in activities where I am likely to be singled out – preferring, instead, the comfort of fading unnoticed into the background. I have been known to be extremely conflict-averse and tend to remain neutral in most situations – avoiding any suggestions or input, that might invite discord. In fact, sharing anything personal, especially if it can be argued, rebutted, or questioned – has always been difficult for me.

A bit judgmental, I admit…

The notion, being so far out of my realm of possibility – I frequently cringe, in empathetic embarrassment, due to the deeply personal information that people have shared on social media. I often wonder – is this really an appropriate platform to reveal such intimate details of your personal life? Or, why they would feel the need to announce “their business” to the world. Although I engage and post on social media, my account contains general information. The extent of my personal exposure – may include a picture of me with my husband or videos of my kids. And an occasional “share” of something funny or inspirational. However, I am always mindful not to reveal too much.

Anonymous…

Okay, so I do have Facebook sub account pages – but am fundamentally opposed to advertising them with my personal friend’s list. I ignored the standard message of “get more likes by sharing your page with your friend’s list” – it felt both uncomfortable and presumptuous for me to promote my pages. Ironically, I have no problem “liking” the pages of others – upon request.

In everyday life…

At times, in real life, I am arguably more reserved than my social media persona. Of course, I am not socially awkward in any way – and am cordial, even somewhat social, with the people I am comfortable around. However, I prefer to keep my circle very small. I very much favor one on one interactions, over large gatherings. And people I have a familiarity or connection with, over strangers. I do love deep and meaningful conversations, but only with people, whose company I enjoy.

Awkward encounters…

I am not a person who goes out of their way to be social or forthcoming – in fact, I have hidden behind racks in department stores, in avoidance of old acquaintances. There was no ill will or contempt for these people, I just don’t always want to engage.

Tracing its origin…

Perhaps this perception stems from an adopted methodology from my environment as a child – perhaps a long-held family heirloom, learned from my interaction with my relatives. I say this, because from my own observations – personal news was only ever divulged if it was relevant to the conversation at hand. I wouldn’t necessarily label it secretive, although others might – traditionally, our family has shared information on a “need to know” basis.

Why didn’t you tell me…

“You never asked”, was the predictable reply – following an organic revelation of newly disclosed information. Actually, I get it – and readily confess to a few times, where I have borrowed and utilized, that exact reply. I guess after being around it constantly, I inherited the familial trait, of deeming uninitiated self-promotion – as a form of boasting. My husband doesn’t seem to understand, what he deems as my “secrecy”, and frequently calls me on it – when it finally makes its way into a much later conversation. But, sharing isn’t natural for me – I have little experience on how to construct a conversation around introducing “my news” and feel awkward just blurting out “random” events. I have recently learned, through a process of self-discovery, that I really never learned a healthy balance of self-esteem – how to share, without feeling that I am bragging.

Breaking patterns…

So while this blog was not designed as a grandiose ploy, to fulfill a much-needed thirst for attention, I can understand how it may be perceived that way. However, from my perspective, it is the opposite – a platform to open myself up to much needed, and previously feared self-expression. A method of healing through voluntary involvement, with the subject of my most paralyzing fears – aggressively exposing myself to the source of my greatest discomfort, so I can overcome my greatest challenges.