Whenever I see this photo, I can’t help but empathize with the plight of celebrities. You know, the ones who are confronted for an explanation – to explain the truth, rather than the story the images seem to narrate. Fervently defending against the initial assumptions suggested – due to the unexpected release of candid photographs. And, I admit, it does look pretty bad. But, before you withdraw your kids…I swear, it isn’t as bad as it looks – I can explain.
Coach Wendy…
First of all, I love coaching – coaching and kids. I delight in teaching gymnastics – getting excited in their progress. Especially when they “get” skills that have caused a struggle for them – sometimes an enthusiasm that overshadows, that of the kids. However, my love of coaching comes with one caveat – as long as the child I coach, lives somewhere other than my house. I admit, for me personally, it is difficult to separate being a mom, from being a coach. Although I am fully capable of removing any expectations from my athletes, my kids…not so much.
After all, I am responsible for them, and ultimately accountable for their choices. So, despite my best efforts, there were occasions, where the delineation between coach and parent, that is normally clear – had become blurred. Inadvertently, yet seamlessly, I noticed myself slipping between the two – losing sight of my perspective on each. In general, I am a strong proponent of instilling independence and freedom of choice in my personal children. They are responsible for making their own decisions and formulating their goals – and I am there to support them in those goals.
So what happened…
At first glance, it can easily be assumed that I am some hyper-competitive or ego-driven coach – yet nothing could be further from the truth. I am oblivious to both scores and awards – focusing instead on overall growth and improvement. However, if I am being honest – the very worst behavior I am capable of is revealed during stressful situations. Unfortunately, there are occasions, at least for me – when stressors carry with them, a temporary inability for me to avoid crossing the line between parent and coach.
Despite how it may appear in this photographic evidence, I can’t stress it enough – I am not an unhinged or manic coach…even with my own children. In fact, I silently cringe in witnessing other coaches asserting authority over their athletes – it strikes me as a form of bullying. Actually, to be fair, this exchange was more nagging than angry – nonetheless, an isolated incident that hasn’t happened before or since.
I’m not sure what it is…
Although I love them dearly, with the other athletes I have coached, my investment – is limited to achieving the goals they designed for themselves. And in remaining neutral, I am able to offer the qualities the kids need, everything a coach should be – encouraging, supportive, motivating, and nurturing. Any of the parents of the artistic girls I currently coach, would attest – I rarely raise my voice at my students, and never in anger. I admit to being somewhat strict, but only due to safety concerns. I never punish children with strength or berate them – it’s just not in alignment with my beliefs or coaching style. Yeah, but that picture…
It all began…
When we first opened Dynamite it 2009, my kids were all excited to become members of our Trampoline and Tumbling team. They had done some camp at another gym, but due to logistics, had not been able to commit. At the time of our grand opening, their ages were 11, 8, and 6. In the beginning, our gym staff consisted mostly of family, so we all pitched in where we were needed – and I was needed to coach TNT tumbling.
I had coached tumbling before, in fact, it was my favorite.
My two older children, no problem…and then there was Chris. My son Chris, who had turned 7 in October, was a completely different story. Despite his obvious talent, his attention usually seemed to be somewhere else. And I admit, of my three children, his personality is the most similar to my own.
Perhaps a clue…
As a parent, I would be lying if I told you that sometimes, dealing with Chris, wasn’t a monumental challenge. He has always been an extremely pure-hearted child – naive in his inability to comprehend lying, cruelty, or impure motivation. Chris is quick to laugh, with an infectious giggle that is impossible to ignore – and, has been known to instantly brightening the mood of the people who witness it. He is also sensitive, honest, and empathetic. Yet, despite all of the wonderful characteristics he has to offer the world, he has an innate ability to trigger frustration in me, like no one else.
A special thanks…
First of all, I would like to express my sincerest appreciation to my sister Alyx, who took this candid shot, at a competition in 2012. And despite it being almost 8 years old – this picture still, periodically, becomes anew – finding its way back to the top of my facebook page. To be honest, it represents far differently if you know us than the image would have you believe. Ironically, it brilliantly captures my son’s innate ability to trigger me, to those who are familiar with our relationship – as opposed to strangers…and, god knows what they are thinking. For our family, and gym family, it’s akin to an inside joke – after all, “it’s Chris”! And almost anyone who knows Chris or has ever coached him – has either witnessed or replicated, either this exactly, or a similar expression.
That being said…
Anyway, I understand how it looks, but I can explain – allow me to fill you in on the backstory of the accompanying image. As you can see, it features two people, Chris, age 9, and myself – for the record, I am the one with the bulging tendons that extend from the top of my neck down to my collarbone. Now, you may be wondering what in the world could have prompted this visible agitation, I mean, what could he have done.
Actually, it wasn’t really what he did, but what he said.
I believe this photo was taken at the University of Maryland, at the Fairland Classic in 2012. It was probably the third meet of the season, and he was about to compete tumbling – this was the middle of his second year competing in level 5 tumbling. Level 5 tumbling is compulsory, which means that the passes are fixed and designated by USAG. The passes for his level were:
- 1st pass – power hurdle, roundoff, two back handsprings.
- 2nd pass – run, roundoff, four back handsprings.
As he had done, for at least a dozen meets prior to this one, we had run through our customary warm-up routine consisting of 3 practice turns – first pass, the second pass, and then an additional turn to practice one of the 2 competition passes. After each competitor in his group has warmed up, they wait in a particular order for their turn to compete. All competitors in each group would compete their first pass, and then they start over from the beginning, and each would compete their second pass. Mind you, this routine does not change and is consistent through every single meet.
There he was on the competition floor, waiting for his name to be called to compete.
Just after he had completed his warm-up passes and was moments from competing – waiting for the judges to finish calculating the scores of the previous competitor, no more than a minute or two, before saluting to signal the next competitors to begin. Although he had engaged in this exact procedure several times prior to this day, knowing Chris, I had taken extra precautions to prepare him for this event. I explained to him, who he would be after by pointing the kid out to him, and even asked him to repeat what I had said – carefully covering prospective issues beforehand, to ensure that he knew exactly what to do. Standing there, he asked the question.
What, a question…
You may be asking yourself, what kind of person reacts that way to the question of a child. The truth is, it wasn’t just any question – this particular question exemplified so much more than the mere words that it contained. Yes, it was a question – but, it instantly caused a triggered reaction in me, a sudden and almost involuntary response, in association with the question he asked. I had reiterated for him, everything I could think of that could possibly require a reminder, but I was not prepared for this inquiry.
He looked at me with a puzzled look and said, “wait, what am I doing?”.
I’m not certain if it was the stress of the meet or the fact that he was so blase about it, or even that I was nervous about him competing the pass, or something else entirely – but those five little words, quite literally, sent me over the edge. Yes, I lost my sh*t. Of course, I don’t recall verbatim, exactly what I said in response to this inquiry – I only remember being in extreme annoyance, the second he asked it. In the utter amazement of the moment, I’m sure I stammered something along the lines of:
- Christian, are you serious right now!
- What pass do you always do first!
- It’s the same pass you do every single time, it hasn’t changed!
- Has it ever been any different!
I’m not proud of my reaction and admit that this isn’t my most flattering representation of motherhood – or coaching, for that matter. In a split second, coach Wendy abruptly vacated and was replaced with the shrill nagging of an exasperated and embittered mother.
I wish I could tell you that I have fully grown past this type of irrational behavior. Or that I am no longer capable of getting caught up in situations that carry strong triggers – unfortunately, I cannot. Since then, I have spent a great deal of effort on improving myself, and understand myself far better than I did on that Sunday afternoon. But, I can’t promise that I will not ever again be overwhelmed at the moment – or drawn into a negative reaction.
But one thing I can promise is that I will continue my lifelong adventure of learning all I can about myself -loving, understanding, and discovering myself. Committing to work on improving myself in the ways that I determine, are a priority – paving a path toward becoming the best I can be!
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